Airport security has become much more diligent with the recent events that have happened around the world in the last twenty years or so. The following list makes up suggested statements and actual statements that should never be said to airport security.

Their sense of humour dies when they graduate asshole school

“I don’t want to take my coat off. I have a tank top on and I haven’t shaved my armpits.” You will wish you hadn’t cared so much when you are sitting in a little room getting strip searched by an enthusiastic security guard named Greta. The same can be applied to the statement “My feet smell so I would rather keep my shoes on.” A friend of mine had his wife refuse to take off her sweater when the airport security asked her. He called it a jacket and she corrected him and said that it was a sweater and therefore part of her outfit and she should not be asked to take it off. My friend’s wife was then escorted into the back room where she was asked again to remove her “jacket” and she complied but not before making comments about her husband being a lawyer and suing the airline for harassment. It is a favourite my friend likes to tell his class as an example of how you should pick your battles.

Take a hike Julia Roberts

“How do you say “Put your hands up and give me all your money” in Spanish?” Funny enough, someone actually did say this to airport security and scared the wits out of the staff on the plane.

“I swallowed my illegal substances before I got on the plane.” This is also not a good idea to say to airport security. This was said in an airport in Japan. Fortunately, they did not believe the not-so-bright travellers and they were allowed to continue on their merry way. They also figured out that Japan is not the best place to have the munchies.

“I left my weapons at home.” Thank you for being so honest, Mr. Traveller, we would like you to follow us to this little room and reward you for your sense of humour.

If you’re not Sarah Palin, you’re not going to get through

“Could you hurry please? I’m late for my Klan meeting.” This was said as a joke in an American airport. The security on duty was not too impressed, but fortunately the traveller was not detained.

It is not a good idea to answer all security questions in a European airport with the German word “nein.” This actually happened in an airport and fortunately the obviously over-tired traveller who wasn’t thinking straight was taken pity on by the security officer.

Taken from the wisdom of the movie Meet the Fockers, never say the word bomb, in any context, to airport security. “You’re the bomb”, “I don’t have a bomb”, “Bomb, dee bomb bomb” are all examples of phrases that can be innocent enough but will land you in that famous little room with airport security.

Every word with B to start with is dodgy

In an airport in Sydney a woman is told she cannot bring her umbrella through the security gate. “But I’m not even boarding the plane, I’m only helping my elderly mother get on and I need my umbrella.” This same woman was then arrested for trying to get past airport security with a butcher’s knife in her purse.

“The gun was a gift from a friend. It’s not even loaded.” A popular preacher for a well known church group was given a gun by a friend to give to his wife so that she felt safe when he was travelling and she was home alone. Instead of giving the gun to his wife right away, he kept it in the duffel bag he used for travelling and forgot all about it. When trying to board a plane in Dallas, he gave his duffel bag to airport security to get checked and was immediately arrested.

“It’s alright, they are just tent pegs.” A man in an American airport brought parts of his tent kit in his carry-on luggage but unfortunately the long metal spikes that are used to anchor the tent to the ground are a little too lethal looking for airport security.

“I can’t believe that made it through!” Exclaiming surprise that your seemingly harmless carry-on bag made it through the metal detector and x-ray machine without setting off alarm bells is probably not the best thing to do right in front of airport security. I would wait until you are out of earshot.

Beep! Beep!

“It’s a kosher salami.” This statement didn’t really disturb the confused security at an Israeli airport but caused great guffaws of laughter as the traveller explained exactly what they were seeing on the x-ray monitor. Apparently they thought the salami was something else.

“I’m not taking anything other than these coins I found at the Parthenon.” This is actually illegal in Greece and will land you in jail regardless of whether you are at the airport or not.

“I use that for fishing.” In a Texas airport, a traveller was found with a shotgun in his carry-on bag. He proceeded to tell airport security that it was part of his fishing kit and that he had forgotten to unpack it after his last trip.

What sort of fish do you need to get with a shotgun?!

Other words that should never be used in any context: gas, spray, explode, gun, shell, barrage, blast, detonate, blow up, discharge, and destroy. I am sure there are plenty more, but these give you a good indication of which topics to avoid.

There is no end to the dumb things people will say or do in front of airport security. Even with the knowledge that we have accumulated since September 11th, and the expectation that we will be detained and checked at the airport because, it is still amazing that some people either forget to check their luggage or try to get away with beating the system.

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